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13. 2. 2013

 MICHELLE

 
Hodiny a hodiny a hodiny som vyberala tú pravú. Pokrčím text piesne do guľôčky a odhodím ho do rohu. To čo sa teraz chystám urobiť budem určite ľutovať. Nikto mi nepovedal, že vstup bude povolený aj novinárom. Ja toho Billa zabijem. Ale dala som sa na to nahovoriť, nemôžem cúvnuť. Som tu.
Oblečená v hodvábnych ružových šatách s nahým chrbtom sedím na stoličke na pódiu za zatiahnutou oponou. Vystretá ako pravítko. V ruke mikrofón. V hrudi divoko bijúce srdce. V nohách triaška, ešteže sedím. Chrbtom k publiku, to je moja hranica. Maximum, po ktoré som bola ochotná zájsť.
Teraz mi tá hranica pripadá ako najväčšia trúfalosť na svete. Mala som všetkých päť pokope, keď som s tým súhlasila? Stavím sa, že ak by ma prezrel lekár, žasol by, že som pri takom krvnom tlaku ešte neupadla do klinickej smrti.
Do uší sa mi dostanú úvodné tóny, opona sa roztiahne a moje sólo sa blíži. Nedovolím si pohnúť jedinou brvou, som ako ochromená. Neviem čo sa mi deje za chrbtom, čumím do holej steny a na zátylku mám mrazivú husiu kožu. Prichádza čas na spev. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Sklopím oči a vžijem sa do svojej roly.
„You're like a child within
The one who just won't give in
Oh how you love to play.
I wanna understand
I wanna do all I can
I wanna make you stay.“
Začujem slabé ujúkanie a pár rúk zatlieska. Posmelí ma to.
„Where will I find you?
Next time I lose you
I'm just a fool for your touch.
Cross my heart
I wanna love you
How can I love you
If you keep running away?“
Diváci sú nevyspytateľní. Teraz pre zmenu nastáva absolútne ticho, veľmi znervózňujúce ticho kedy nerozoznáte či by vám najradšej zapchali pusu starým vechťom alebo chcú jednoducho zachytiť každý váš tón. Hrôza.
„Cross my heart
It's getting stronger
I can't wait much longer
You gotta stop running away.“
Na sekundu spanikárim, pretože si neviem spomenúť na ďalšiu strofu, ale ako náhle otvorím ústa, ide to samo. Trénovala som to hádam tisíc krát.
„Now haven't you had your fun
Is anything left undone?
Why can't we meet half way?“
Nutne sa potrebujem poškriabať na nose a nemôžem.
„When will you find out?
Now that the truth's out
This is more than a careless romance.“
Prehltnem bez dychu. »Je to viac ako bezduchá láska.« Tie slová mám z celej piesne najradšej, preto im venujem zvláštnu dávku nehy.
„Cross my heart
I wanna love you
How can I love
If you keep running away?
Cross my heart
It's getting stronger
I can't wait much longer
You gotta stop running away.“
Tak strašne túžim vidieť Michaelovu tvár! Odpadnem od zvedavosti! Pódium je v tme, možno by som sa neprepadla od hanby. Skúsim to?
„True love is never quite enough.
It's so unsure.“
Nasleduje posledná pasáž a bude koniec. Skončím a nikdy neuvidím na vlastné oči ako sa tváril, keď som preňho spievala.
„Is it what you're dreaming of?“ Odspievam, prekonám svoj strach a pomaličky si na stoličke presadnem tvárou k obecenstvu.
Je to... je to fascinujúci pocit.
Stovkám hláv s tvárami ponorenými v tme sa na pár okamihov zastavil svet a stredobodom pozornosti som len a len ja. Hneď začerstva si spomeniem na to čo mi raz Michael povedal. »Pri vystúpení sa nesmiem zamerať na konkrétneho človeka, rozptyľuje to.« Ja to však nedodržím, mňa rozptyľuje už samotné pomyslenie na jeho prítomnosť. A koniec koncov, je ťažké tú zásadu dodržať, keď je človek, pre ktorého spievate, ako jediný v dave vysvietený bodovým svetlom.
Vymeníme si pohľady.
Šokovaný, rozrušený a v rozpakoch je slabé slovo na opis. Dokonca si zložil slnečné okuliare, aby si overil či vidí dobre. Nadvihnem gurážne jedno obočie.
„Darling, it's time you let me in
Maybe tonight...
We can start again...“
Posledný tón ťahám čo najdlhšie až kým nezanikne v búrlivom potlesku. Celá sála je na nohách, aj ľudia v lóžach a na balkónoch. Nečakala som to, do poslednej chvíle som si nebola istá či môj hlas znie rovnako v ich ušiach ako v mojich. Neohrabane vstanem a zľahka sa ukloním. Líca mi horia od námahy a trémy, nohy v lodičkách sa mi pletú, no s obrovskou úľavou, že už to mám za sebou, vytasím širokánsky úsmev. Spotené pramene vlasov si prehodím dozadu, chcem znova nadviazať očné spojenie s Michaelom a popravde neviem čo mám robiť.
A vtedy sa to stane.
Reflexívne si k pravému boku pritlačím dlaň. Je to stotina sekundy. Niečo mi ostro prepichlo kožu, cez látku šiat presakuje teplá krv. Valí sa mi pomedzi prsty a steká po spodničke. Bolesťou sa mi zahmlieva zrak. Len čo sa ozvú prvé zhrozené výkriky, stačím to pochopiť.
Do tela sa mi zabodla guľka.  
Sklátim sa k zemi a stiahnem so sebou stoličku, ktorá sa prevráti. Rozpúta sa príšerná hystéria. Toho už ale svedkom nie som.
 

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